|Thursday, December 13th, 2007|
|9th Cup of Coffee...
-Summary of the past 3 days-
Today I'm getting the reunion of people I've been missing for the past....80 years?
Yesterday I got my tickets to go home for Christmas.
Tomorrow I will smile from the thought of his.
One day I'll make it out of this town.
No more dreams.
I'm on my 10th cup of coffee
and I'm still nowhere near awake.
I like hearing my friends ideas to get rid of double bags under my eyes..
and I really like that nobody suggests sleep.
It's the first time that the marquee has read, 'Reunion Show: SOLD OUT!'
Hats off to the boy that arranged this. Thanks buddy.
I'm rambling. But that's ok.
Like usual I'll read this tomorrow when there's sleep in my head and have my 'WTF' face on.
I hope everybody is happy during this Holiday Season.
It only comes once a year. Don't spoil it with a frown. Current Mood: determined
|Friday, October 5th, 2007|
The way I felt when I saw them.
The way I felt when I left them.
It's weird how much one month can change something that lasted 3 years.
I had thought we would stand to the test of time.
It's odd how much you can hate somebody, and yet you can stay up all night hoping for a phone call.
To lose so many friends so suddenly, and then to lose another, knowing that she's still alive.
It's not fair.
Why couldn't you take her instead of Rotang, Jessie, or any of the other boys that I still miss and dream about during those rare nights when I actually do sleep.
What makes her so much more important to the world than them?
If only I could trade her for one of them.
I hate that the friends that get taken away from this Earth would still be talking to me.
Yet, you keep the one around that has caused so many people anger and pain.
I know that life isn't fair.
But this is ridiculous.
...I'm probably going to regret writing this when I actually get some sleep in my system.
|Monday, September 10th, 2007|
Watching lies come pouring out
...it's odd how somebody that you know so well can forget everything they ever knew about you.
I remember telling her how to lie to avoid the people that she didn't want to talk to..
Now I'm getting the lies told to me
and she's best friends with the person that I helped her avoid.
It's weird how people change.
...it's not even like she's the first person I've seen change for the worse.
She's just going about it in the worst way possible.
Lesson number one in blowing off friends,
Confront them first.
Tell them why you hate them.
Yell at them for crying out loud!
Don't just start ignoring them for absolutely no reason.
What good has she done anybody but herself?
She's taken the free ride from me and Captain for two and a half years.
Good luck with your new found "best friend"
...last time I checked a best friend meant that they are the best.
But who knows.
I have always been the dumb blonde compared to your oh so superior knowledge of absolutely EVERYTHING.
You couldn't even spell half of these words if you had a dictionary in your lap.
I'm sick of your lies.
I'm sick of you thinking that you're better than everything/body.
I'm tired of sticking up for you.
I'm sick of lying to myself and saying that you'll come around and be the old Jennifer
that I used to know.
Did I just name drop?
If you didn't know that this was about you, I guess it needed to be said.
I'm so over you.
Good luck finding a friend that has stuck by your side as long as I have.
I take that back.
You don't deserve it.
|Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007|
|Sham a Llama Ding Dong.
Times fly like a sparrow that's lost it's wing.
It struggles, yet somehow keeps persisting.
Summer time, Summer time...
It's changed well....
not at all.
I'm doing the same exact things I always have.
Except now I'm around people that aren't my family..
and instead of watching X-Files by myself everyday..
I'm watching it with one of my bestfriends.
I guess sometimes it's just easier not to talk about real problems.
The ones that away at your brain until they drive you mad.
..like that episode of Seinfeld when George got the song stuck in his head.
Realizing how overrated sleep is.
I haven't used it in about 2 days..
I feel the same as when my eyes are closed..
What's a dream.
I see no difference anymore.
I'm off to make myself sleep.
Gotta love summer in California. Current Mood: tired
|Friday, November 24th, 2006|
isn't it funny how they seem to care?
and how nobody really does.
they all look at you and talk to you like you're somebody.
when all their doing is looking behind...
at that person they really want.
why can't people just stop denying what they want?
why can't we just forget everything that's holding us back?
to make ourselves feel more like a person.
just to conform to what everybody believes to be "normal" behavior.
we shouldn't take normal as a good thing.
to be normal is to have simply become everything that you never wanted to be.
what some people would give to be normal...
i would give to never know the meaning of that word.
she pretends to notice what you're doing.
really she knows nothing.
she thinks she knows what's for the best.
but all she's doing is keeping her from what she needs most.
she wants the best.
but she's simply doing the opposite.
to drag the other along on strange errands.
just to keep her away from everything that's
"corrupting your mind".
the corruption sounds so sweet when it's true love. Current Mood: angry
|Wednesday, November 15th, 2006|
let's get these 3 hour night cries out.
only happens twice a month.
treasure it while you can.
don't listen to the world.
let's all take a night to be teh true meaning of "emo".
if there's tears.
there's a reason.
don't hold them back just because of what the faces looking at you are saying.
remembering the old times and how it used to be.
it's a gift.
if it makes you cry.
so be it.
at least you have the memories now.
someday you won't.
don't try to deny it.
i know i don't.
i miss those girls more than anything.
and they know it.
it's all a countdown until our big reunion.
where we can all feel whole again.
let's make this small town party again.
let's be team jak all over again.
none of this will string together.
none of it ever does.
my speech doesn't.
my words don't.
my thoughts don't. Current Mood: cold
|Tuesday, November 14th, 2006|
i'm living that 4 a.m. lifestyle.
you can't understand that until you've got all i do.
when you know a look at therapy is just a wink away.
and you know there's no point in trying to make it all normal.
because you've never even known what the word normal means.
living that 3 a.m. lifestyle.
it's when the lights go down in this central idea.
two slices of skin over top of the only windows to that thing that ticks when i see his face.
you think nothing in the world can stop you by that point.
but that's where your wrong.
every time it happens.
you expect the good.
you get the worse.
sleeping at 7.
waking up at 7:15.
only to see her dad come down the stairs and leave for work.
god if only i could have those days back.
those days spent in her room.
where michael jackson made an appearance.
where fall out boy ate books.
and we all partied like virginia was the homeland.
those nights spent eating ramen til we burst.
or until our eyes burned with tears of joy.
staying up all night just to watch music videos.
only to end up yelling at the t.v. everytime those boys who burn dreams came on.
those are the days i want back.
instead of being there.
staying up til 7 with them.
in complete and udder happiness.
i'm satying up here.
crying myself to some state of sleep.
in complete hopelessness.
so here's to the days the three of us dream about.
here's to our time to shine.
here's to chicago.
three and a half years to go.
i'm sure i'll still be living the 4 a.m. lifestyle.
but at least it will be with the only family i've ever had. Current Mood: drained
|Thursday, November 9th, 2006|
|list for my matthew.
-you the only person i truly enjoy being with all the time (..plus jennifer and kayla. you saw that coming.)
-you give me butterflies.
-when i look into your eyes. i can tell you care.
-your super adorable. <3
-you treat me like a person
-you care about how i feel.
-you listen to what i have to say..when it's important anyways. nobody really listens to me all the time.that would be exhausting.
-your the most caring person i have ever met.
-your the last good thing about this part of town.
-you make me more happy than i can ever even remember being.
-i love you. Current Mood: loved
|Monday, October 23rd, 2006|
|what does abi miss?
-patrick being a stripper.
-pete writing stuff about carebears.
-going to fall out boy concerts.
-sweating my heart out.
-simple days. crazy nights.
-obsessing over things
-the brendan leonard show.
|one of those days.
taking a step back in time.
let's go back to christmas.
a couple years back.
i had no life.
a few friends.
the greatest obsession in the world.
and i can't remember ever feeling as "at home" as i did when i sat on my couch.
me. myself. fall out boy.
and a dream to be something bigger.
i'm still working on the dream.
i still have everything else.
only a couple people are going to get this.
and that doesn't include me.
this won't mean anything when the lights come back on. Current Mood: content
you can feel it.
it's almost like a chill is being sent down your spine.
i'm not talking about halloween.
it's that feeling you get when you know somebody's talking about you.
and you know just what they're saying.
and you know that it's true.
sometimes i wish i could just go back to when everthing was simpler.
listening to fall out boy 24/7.
falling in love everyday with that kid's passion.
knowing that everyday would be the same.
back when people used to stare at me because i was so passionate about what i was saying...
not because of how depressed i look...
or how crazy my hair is.
i hope i'll get it back.
i blame it all on him.
he doesn't know it.
but he's going to have it much worse than i ever did.
and i'm going to kick him while he's down.
i do love revenge. Current Mood: crappy
|Saturday, September 30th, 2006|
he stole my heart.
but he's going to regret it.
i already stole his thoughts.
my heart can be silenced.
his thoughts can not be.
and i know your missing me already.
i heard you crying on the other side.
but don't think i'm coming back.
i hope you regret me.
because i'm going to haunt your dreams, boy.
just a warning from me to you.
|Wednesday, September 27th, 2006|
|how he left...
it really odd how some people only care after your gone.
you spend all your life trying to be the best person you can.
and nobody cares or notices.
until your gone.
suddenly you become important.
this world is messed up to a degree of no comprehension.
we value the dead more than the living.
and even then most people only care or acknowledge it for a few weeks at most.
i'm choosing not to dwell on his death.
but on his life.
he has always been one of my best friends...
and i will never forget him.
no matter how much everybody else does.
he was always scared that nobody would notice or care.
and in a way he was right.
he only got to effect a small amount of people.
and to the rest of the world he's just a name attached to some people who are better because of him.
so here's to you jesse.
and i'll see you someday.
where we'll both be better,
akthough it's hard to even imagine a more perfect you.
|Thursday, September 21st, 2006|
it's like my heart's actually been missing so long that i couldn't even write.
try to explain that one.
i really have basically lost all ability to write.
...i think it happened when i lost you.
something's missing inside.
that i know for sure was there before.
...then again maybe i'm just california dreamin.
how i miss the way yours shone when we watched the sunset...
and then to see the moon rise.
it's something i'll never forget.
...more like somebody.
things that used to mean the world to me.
now don't even catch my glimpse.
...you stole my heart
i want it back.
|Monday, July 3rd, 2006|
sleepless nights. shaky legs. wide open eyes. i know it's all because of you. i know that i can't stop thinking about you. but you've stopped thinking about me a long time ago. and it brakes my heart that you don't even care any more. but i guess it just wasn't meant to be. although it always was perfect in my own little world that i wish still existed. but you destroyed it. godzilla style. this won't make any sense tomorrow. but it seems so real right now. just like you and me.
|Thursday, June 29th, 2006|
|i hope you read this...you know who you are.
if only i could type what i want to right now. if only i could say everything that's on my mind. if only i wasn't a christian girl. then i could tell you everything i really think about you. you are going to pay so bad. and you thought i didn't know about everything you've been doing for the past month behind my back. i cannot even put into words what i think about you. even if i could. would it really make a difference? probably not. there's no point any more. the only thing that will make you see what you're really doing to me is to simply just do it back to you. i don't care if you think i don't know. i don't really care what you think about me anymore. and i really just don't care about you. why should i care about somebody like you? because let's face it, if i don't care you'll just go out and find somebody else to sleep with. and if you think i won't return the favor for you someday. you have been mistaken. that day will some sooner than you could possibly imagine.
my back hurts. it must be from that knife you put there. Current Mood: moody
|Wednesday, June 28th, 2006|
initial reaction. i'm a failure at life. second reaction. what a little you know what. third reaction. type it out. blast fall out boy.
i hate to say it. but i knew it. and i didn't even ever say anything about it. i knew you were lying to me. i just never wanted to face the fact that i'm not good enough for you. even though i thought it every single day. but this just proves everything that i ever thought and worried about. you lied to me every night. and i chose to believe you. i knew that what you were saying wasn't true. nobody can be that perfect all the time. even i know that. but i just simply wanted to believe it so bad that i fell into your trap. and i let myself fall. and now i'm paying for it. but now you'll have to pay. because i'm the innocent victim. your the guilty criminal. and you will have to live with this for the rest of your life. i know you don't even care that you will have to. but it will slowly eat away at you when you see me with him...the one person you always said that if i went with it would break your heart. i don't even care if i do anymore. maybe i could always make up a good lie. i might as well. all we ever were was a big lie. despite anything we ever thought was going to happen...we both knew it wouldn't ever. so hey. kudos to you for sleeping around. but if you ever try lying to a girl for this long of a time again...just to let you know. we know. you are a horrible liar. but it realyl doesn't matter. because you now what to say to make us swoon. god i hate you. Current Mood: drained
why do boys have to be so incredibly awesome? that's all i want to know. honestly though. but at the same time they are confusing to the most ridiculous degree.
wow. that's all i can even write right now. how pathetic is that? real update later i guess... Current Mood: confused
|Friday, June 16th, 2006|
|yet another update...
what's happened to me. i used to live to make my parents proud. i used to love going to church. i used to care about what my family though about me. i used to think that i would be the easy teenager. nothing would change with me. i'd always be a good girl...that my mom could be proud of. now i listen to music and hang out with people that go against everything my family stands for and i don't even care that they don't accept me. i guess i really am a rebel without a cause. even though i do have a cause. it's for all the kids out there to stand up for what they think. despite what their families and other people say. it's for the freedom to express yourself without having to be afraid of judgment from everybody who think they know what's best for you. it's your life. live how you think is right. learn from your own mistakes. always voice your own opinions and never give up on something you truly believe in. most of all...don't be afraid to stand up against those who try to bring you down to their level. although i still don't know who i am. i want everybody who does know..to stand up for it. decide for yourself. don't let others decide for you. Current Mood: annoyed
despite all that i've said and done. your still here...right with me. why? i have the worst moodswings this side of chicago. i am constantly complaining about my weight and looks. i hate the way i am. so do you still like me so much? i'm concieted without even liking myself. i hate anything that loves me. but i secretly can't get enough of this silly little thing called love. oops. there's another moodswing. and your still here. i'm shocked everyday when you continue to talk to me. thank you. i need you more than you'll ever know. Current Mood: drained